2022

 

Do you still think of me?

I'm not obsessed with you. I'm not stalking you either. I just want to see what you're up to, since we don't talk anymore. 

Do you remember how we were, me and you? We had that diary where we wrote to each other, not professing love or any of that mushy stuff, just being honest. 

We sat together everywhere, even in the chapel where those nosy teachers could have seen us. Not that we cared.

Do you remember when I ran through my monthly allowance and you bought me snacks without me asking? Do you remember they said I'd charmed you, that you were in love with me.

You paid them no mind, and neither did I.

But I knew they weren't lying. Because even though you told me about the girls you liked, the girls you'd made out with, I knew it was true. You loved me. You didn't say it, but you showed it. Every single damn time. In the subtlest of ways. In the way you always held my hands, the way you came over to my class every time you were free. The way you always had something to say when I was sad, something that would make me smile immediately. I saw it in the way you shared your life with me, telling me about your issues with your parents. They say love don't cost a dime, but your love made me wonder how much I'd need to pay you back. I didn't just see your love, Jay. I felt it. It was like a living, breathing presence. Even when you weren't with me, even when I wasn't reading our diary, I felt it. I heard it, too. In the way you said my name, like it was an egg or something else fragile, soft and smooth. In the way you apologised for what was no fault of yours. Every time, I saw your love, Jay.  

I saw it in the way you looked at him. 

Did you know I knew you hated him? You hated that I was with him, but you did a great job of hiding it. You ignored his presence, his smouldering looks, his scathing remarks about your grades and your breath, and you took whatever love I had left over from what I'd given to him.

Did you know that I said no to him because of you? I never told you that, but I'm sure you knew. We could have been official, you know, an actual couple, but because of you, we were just a thing, a “situationship”. He said you had my heart, but that wasn't true. He had my heart, but you were my heart.

Do you remember how we were in 2022, after we got out of school? I didn't get a phone immediately, but you called my grandma's phone, my mom's phone, just to talk to me. Every single day. You got into Uni real quick, and every night I waited patiently for your call, for you to tell me about your lecturers, your roommates, the food you ate. Even if I didn't know what a “three credit unit course” was, I still laughed with you when you complained about how street the lecturer was. I became your diary. I didn't have much to say, but I loved listening to you. My parents usually raised an eyebrow or two when I talked with other boys, but they pretended not to notice that our calls usually lasted more than an hour.

Do you remember when you told me about the first time you took a girl out for dinner?

Or the girl you took to a concert? To be honest, I wasn't jealous because you also talked about how we would get married and live in Lagos or Abuja because Uyo was such a small town. I didn't see us together, I had never, but I laughed at let my cheeks go warm because I liked hearing you say that. Once upon a time, you loved me so much you wanted to marry me. What changed, Jay? How did we get here?

It's like you faded away from me. If anyone asks me what happened between us, I can't rewind and go back to where it happened, because I can't remember. I don't even know what it is. 

Alex tells me you have a girlfriend now. You go out with her, and post pictures of yourselves on Snapchat. I want to see her, to see what makes you happy these days, but I can't bring myself to add you on Snapchat. I probably never will. It would be easier to follow you on Instagram, but despite your 1000+ followers, you haven't made any posts. You only post flyers for your business on your WhatsApp status. How the heck am I supposed to keep up with your life now, Jay? How?

I didn't even know when you started your business, or when you ditched your Samsung AO5 for an iPhone 14 Pro Max. 

You'd told me when you got your hair braided into cornrows, but I didn't know when you switched to dreads. 

Once in a while, someone posts your picture on their status, and I look into your eyes hoping to see something, anything, that would remind me of the Jay I used to know. But now you're wearing contacts, and I can't even remember if your eyes are black or brown. I don't know you anymore, and that's sad, because I used to know you more than anyone else, in 2022.

I'm sending this to let you know that I still think of you. I have a boyfriend now, and he's a good guy. Still, I think of you. Not every time, but times like these. Times when I'm eating fried plantains, because you once told me there was nothing special about fried plantains, they are, after all, just plantains coated with salt and fried in hot oil. I did not agree with you, and that hasn't changed, unlike us. I also think about you when I'm watching The Men's Club, because you talked about it so much I had to start watching it just to shut you up. Do you still watch it? I want to know, because I don't know anyone else who does. I think of you at night, because I remember we used to hold hands and talk while walking to class to study - what we called “night prep.” Do you remember, Jay?

I still think of you, Jay. Do you?

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BY PRAISE DANIEL