Today,Tomorrow,Last year

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By Amaefule K. Chimjurumafo



Redemption

Dear Dahlia



Dear Dahlia



By the time you read this email I'll be gone. Maybe by this time, you'll also hear my babies have suffocated in the night, and you'll be trying to doubt what your mind is telling you. I'm emailing you because out of all the people in my life, I think that you'll understand what I want to say the most. I think that you'll understand me when I tell you that I don't want to be found.



For the longest time, I've always felt like I knew what I wanted in life, like the goal has was clear— Finish with a first class, go to law school, get married, get a doctorate, have a kid or two… I really was not prepared for the amount of emotion that would wash over me when I saw my babies faces for the first time. I could not describe if it was love or futility, as the realization hit me that they were never going to be normal. I know in my heart of hearts that the only thing that awaited them was suffering and their future was going to be filled with pain.


The panic that seized me as I began to go through my head, searching for all I knew about Siamese twins, was palpable - anxiousness that I knew would eventually overcome me if they ever asked me which child I desired to save.



At this point, I am not sure what Ani hates me more for— The death of the babies or my absence. I do know for a fact, that I cannot go back. I cannot live in that house any longer, because if I close my eyes, I am sure I can hear them screaming with their little lungs .




Before we had the twins, He asked me if this was what I really wanted, between the months of consoling me whenever I had a miscarriage or when I saw my period again… He asked me if we should stop.


I should have listened to him.


I don't need anybody to know why I did what I did, But I need to get it off my chest… I cannot let it be said that I did not love my babies.


And if I am to have any form of Redemption or clear conscience, I need for you ( if only you) to understand me. To know that what I've done is out of love— I could not honestly bear to see them suffer so much then bear the procedures of watching doctor try to separate them when I know that they exist only on borrowed time.



I don't want to hear that if I had enough faith, Perhaps we would have go through this hurdle. I'm not the most holy, not the most deserving, but if there's something I want from God in this matter, I pray that he absolve my sins and guide my babies to him.



Tell them Dahlia, tell them it was because of love. Everyone we know what I did but no one will know why I did what I did. Help me tell them.



Yours Ifeoma



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